I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.
I meditated this morning, read a few blogs, engaged in a few internal monologues, created and, read some more. I came across a blog entry from MoonBeam Arts on the details of a bad day. Without a moment's thought I jumped into the comments box and shared the Mother Theresa quote. When I finished, still feeling the burn of her account, I had a moment of clarity (I really like the word epiphany but it can be overused, you know. Finding a great Dooney & Burke on clearance when you have an additional 25% off coupon is not an epiphany people, get outta my word bank.) I'd like to share.
In the depths of my despair the year I purchased the quote bearing card (Yeah I bought it, I still have it) I was way too downtrodden to love even myself. Spent, I had no offering to give the person(s) who hurt me; I was in autonomous drone mode. Work, home, work, home repeat. It seemed to me that I had sworn off love, I was numb. I wasn't feeling loved and I certainly wasn't doling any.
I continued to spend my lunch hours in the card shop and somewhere between reaching a US size 2 and 0 I purchased another card. This one read: For one human being to love another is the most difficult of all our tasks...-R.M. Rilke I felt almost relieved that someone else out there knew, with certainty, the travails of loving and being loved. So comforted by those two strings of words, I started to write again. It was loving something, anything that led me through this insane labyrinth of pain and betrayal. It was my love of writing.
Writing has never steered me wrong yet (Talking and cussing though, are a whole other diatribe for another day). Today, after reading and re-reading and ultimately commenting on MoonBeam Arts blog I took a second look at my own relationships; a checks and balances system if you will. I'm famous for saying, "Inspect what you expect". Today, Tuesday-I'm doing quite alright but, I will send some Reiki and my personal offering of gratitude to all who love through the hurt because, this shit is hard work indeed. Write it, read it, paint it, dream it but don't give up. Peace.