Friday, January 4, 2008

Okay, so I did it again today. I read the news and I watched Law & Order reruns. The Law & Order deal, not so bad, because it isn't completely mind-numbing...well, except for the person who discovers the victim/corpse part, but the news...I've gone mad. I'll start with what pissed me off and disturbed me deeply in today's news and then I'll go on to how Mr. Bruckheimer's writers had my knickers atwist.
So, today I click on a headline along the lines of Little girl will not get to see Hannah Montana because she lied. I think, ok-she probably did something awful and her mother is punishing her by selling the hot item tickets. "Oh, me of entirely too much faith"! (Well, today anyway) Apparently, the 6 years old wrote an essay about her father being killed in a roadside bombing in Iraq, only "what had happened was" it's not true! A total fabrication. If this is the first you're hearing of it I'll give you a moment to release the wrinkles from your brow and catch up with the rest of us. Okay, so moron, I mean mom proofreads and helps the child ace this essay-writing contest?! First, explain to me what went terribly awry in the gene pool that would lead a 6 years old girl to come up with such a macabre story about her own father no less to win Hannah Montana tickets? I admit The Best of Both Worlds is a catchy tune, but for the love of all things sacred-WTF? Then, you have to wonder-having been a bit of a morbid child myself, what parent reads this and thinks "Oh hell yeah, we're gonna win this thing" High five. Versus, "Honey get your hat and coat and let's go to the Mental Hygiene clinic? While covertly removing all die cast metal toys and sharp objects from the room. I just don't get it. I have to wonder if shit like this happens all of the time, but in my ever inundated albeit reclusive life I simply fail to notice. I often hear people saying, "the kids nowadays" and it just drives me outta my tree. These kids are not the spontaneous products of a damaged ozone layer. Behind every warped kid is an asshole parent! I am a parent, and I have two children who are as prone to acts of assholiness as the next person and that is why, unlike kittens (I'm totally feline fetishing these days) we do not set them off in the vast world after a mere 6 weeks or years. People, please phone a friend, get a clue, take a something. Get your kids together because I'm getting old and I'm deathly afraid of the your children nowadays!
I wish I had an ingenious segue for my Law & Order segment, but I don't. I'm kinda in a hurry to vent about it, so I don't have to think about it once my favorite guy arrives with my rice, barley and hops. Winks. One of today's episodes revolved around the nut-job homeschooling mother and her uber-awkward, weirdo kids. Yes, I am feeling defensive! Joe and I...well Joe is not crazy. Actually I'm not crazy either, not in the sense that homeschooling parents are portrayed. We do not homeschool our kids because they are unattractive or because they lack social skills, they are not challenged mentally or academically. I am neither unattractive, paranoid schizophrenic, suffering from low self-esteem or some other Dr. Philism. Many, yes many parents choose to homeschool their children because read my lips, "The educational system in many states in the US stinks a putrid funk of mediocrity". My children do not speak in some obscure tongue, but they do know that you cannot discover a place that is already being inhabited and they know how to tell time on an analog clock and- big one, sue me, shoot me, we do NOT pledge allegiance to any"thing".
During the segment everyone they encountered had this lengthy public service announcement-esque rant about physical education and friendships and learning how to deal with real life scenarios?! Over 25% (actually 16-33%) of American children are suffering from obesity, scratch that program funding. As we learn here to eat when we are hungry, no scoffing down a meal at 10:15 am with hopes that it will magically coat your gut until 1:00 pm-ish when you are actually hungry. Can you say "eating disorder in the makings"? And friendships, I have had friends since the onset of puberty between the ages of 15 and 50. I have gleaned a great deal more useful information from the latter. No, jumping up and down on your bed after sex will not prevent pregnancy. Clean (yeah right, 16 years old and clean) does not mean disease free! Oh and my favorite of all learning to deal with real life scenarios. This must be the fire drills, yes? Because, I have yet to ask anyone for a 'pass' to shit.
I'm not saying that all homeschooling parents and children are as cool as we are winks, but come on Jerry Bruckheimer, I expect a one-sided portrayal like that from, like... Jerry Springer-not you. You usually make me think for crying out loud. So yes, I'm a little sensitive about the issue of homeschooling, I had to find something to do after I stopped nursing my 3.5 years old! Well, I think the beer is almost here. Have a happy Friday.

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