Saturday, January 5, 2008

If a thousand old beliefs were ruined in our march to truth we must still march on.
~Stopford Brooke

This is one of those entries that will confuse some and enlighten others. It is a pivotal point in a paradoxical relationship that I have been passively participating in. We all engage fantasies, relationships and ideals that are untrue. For as comforting as they seem, they are perceptual anomalies that we hold onto to fill a void, appease a sense of longing and sometimes we even do it for the love and/or acceptance of others. As an astrologically challenged Cancerian I often have no idea what compels me to go from philosophically subtle sidewinder to holding my ideals in a formidable grip, but it happens and when it does-watch out.
Today was a pretty regular day although recently I've been feeling a heightened sense of universal attachment and sensitivity. I've been very creative and pensive but also pretty assertive and aggressive even. This afternoon I got to thinking about a matter that has been plaguing me for some time and took it apart in my mind. I mapped out several worst case scenarios for each possible outcome and it dawned on me that no matter how I go about this it's all going to end the same. So why not just take the most direct route? Yeah, why not? Well, because this has got to get ten times worse before it can even begin to get better, only not for me.
I'm the keeper of an uncomfortable secret that stands to benefit no one other than the person who initiated it. In fact, it is quite detrimental to all of the others involved only the longer I keep it a secret rather than it subsiding, like a cancer it continues to delve deeper and attach itself to others and spread. I find now that I've come to this mindset that all lies metastasize similar to cancer. Today, I cut the cancer out. I blew up spots. I dropped dime. I snitched. I let the cat out of the bag. I called someone out. I upheld the truth. In one fell swoop, I did it. And, did I ever try to reach someone, anyone that might convince me otherwise, but alas no one was available. Hardly a coincidence as the universe has been known to make a way for those who know where they are going. It has been done.
A lie set free is hardly a dove, this baby is gonna drop down like a jet with a failed engine. It will destroy images, reputations, expectations and dreams and what is doesn't destroy it will forever change, and I'm so much less afraid than I am elated. It was a laborious task, but much like child labor it will-for me anyway, bring forth a new beginning. In retrospect, how can you destroy something that never really existed, how could it have existed if the whole foundation from which it sprung was non-existent? The structure of a lie is only as complex as the person who started it and only as powerful as your belief in it and only as destructive as the invincibility of the shield protecting it. I will no longer be the shield and if this lie is saved from peril, at least I didn't contribute to its metastasizing this time. I'm so outta there. Waves, rolls eyes and logs off.

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