Monday, July 30, 2007

The weekend got away from me, although today is dragging. I caught an early yoga class with a new instructor on Saturday morning. Sadly, I actually liked her more than Joe. She presented more of a challenge and made more of an effort stressing form in the asanas. Joe is all about the spiritual which is part of it, but I am a slave to the physical and there is something truly beautiful about the human body in near perfect form. To look over in the mirror and catch a glimpse of your perfectly aligned body is a motivational tool for me.

After the class I headed home and then to meet the new therapist. The anxiety builds as we get into the car. Primarily because sessions are seldom invigorating and secondarily because Joe (favorite guy) is alot more spiritually aware than psychologically. It becomes almost frustrating communicating about an issue that is so close to me yet so far from him. I guess we face the same struggle with his Christianity. Actually, it is more than a guess since we've spoken on it more than once. We arrive and she-yes, a woman-another uncomfortable moment as I generally prefer males for invasive topics like obstetrics,gynaecology and psychotherapy comes out to gather the insurance information and medical history. She reviewed it, we spoke briefly and much to my surprise she headed straight for the prescription pad. It was pleasant that she trusted my self awareness and knowledge enough to skip the trivial formalities and further insult me by offering coping mechanisms. So, I'm on board again, well almost. It should be a couple weeks before the total effect is apparent. We (favorite guy and I) still have not spoken much of it. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It feels uncomfortable not sharing but I'm also at fault because I don't share in his spiritual trials and triumphs either. It's something we need to work on, I just don't see it happening any time soon. We used to keep this His and Hers journal, where we'd each take turns answering pre-written questions about each other and the children and our lives together. It is no wonder that we were doing remarkably well keeping up with it until one of the questions referred to a change we'd each like to see and my answer pointed to the psychological while his pointed to the spiritual.

Tougher than most interfaith relationships is the one of the Agnostic and the Believer. While I can't speak for his position I can affirm that mine is one of the unknowing, and as much as I believe the believers believe they know, they too do not. In my younger years I had attested to being an Atheist and as my awareness grew I realized that was a dangerous position for me to take. As a scholar of sorts I have gained quite a bit of respect and credibility. To make an assertion on religion in bias was just wrong. I concede that I lean further in my belief that God is not real, but the one disclaimer so to speak that stops me from making any declaration of my stance either way is that I just do not know.

This creates an awkward position for me because what comes next from followers of any religious faith is, "Well how can you say you don't believe if you don't know, how do you think you got here" followed by some ridiculous misconstrued theory of apes and a mockery of the theory of evolution which few people understand in its entirety. I'm in essence saying the exact same thing, but for the other team. Believers say they know God/Allah/Yahweh/Jehovah/? did it, but they do not know how. I say it was done but I don't know how and/or/if by whom.

Case in point, in first year psychology you learn about the basic personality types. Folks are always saying what goes around comes around, karma, some believe God will punish you, others believe he teaches, he doesn't punish. Either way, with there being; a limited number of personality types and infinite opportunities to encounter each a few times in this lifetime, wouldn't it then be safe to assume that you may one day be faced with a situation that you have previously encountered? Perhaps on the other side of the encounter with someone who may or may not have the same personality trait(s) as you. You would then be faced with many if not all of the same feelings that you imagined the other person experienced. (I say imagined because you never really can tell what another person is feeling and your reality is always based on your own experiences). Is that karma? Is God punishing you? Is He teaching you a lesson? Is it purely coincidental? Is it The Path?

I am clinically depressed. I am okay with it. I don't feel it is as a result of not praying or believing and no, I don't think I'd be any less depressed if I did. My depression has contributed to a very real and powerful part of who I am. I see things a little more colorfully than most, I experience things in greater detail, I feel more anxious, more afraid, more emotional. But as everything is intensified, so is my creativity, my recollection of facts and events, my perception of others and reality. To those who know me, they would say, "That's just Meka". They can attest that I come up with just the right description of scents, of sounds, of feelings I can predict with near accuracy a series of events and how they will unfold. I am the friend to put your feelings into words, your jumbled words into feelings. My husband believes that I am instrumental in deciphering his many conversations with God. I am not God, but if there is one, I'll bet he too is/was/will be clinically depressed. winks and smiles.

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