Saturday, July 14, 2007

I'm feeling more emotionally exhausted than usual today, and largely disconnected from the "here now". Somehow I overslept and didn't make my yoga class which was the final blow considering I felt myself spinning yesterday and was looking forward to it. The level of concentration required to sustain the asanas makes it literally impossible to focus on anything else. I needed that.

I watched a program on one of those health and learning channels some time ago.Scientists have come up with an implantation device for severely depressed patients which allows them to press a button which releases a stimulus tied to or somehow catalytic to serotonin. Sounds like a winner. It was pleasant discovery considering we live in a society that focuses a great deal on physical strength and stamina and very little on mental. Far more people are concerned with heart attacks than psychosis. Sad, since the brain is the most powerful muscle in the human body and without it's instruction to do so your heart would not beat.

Today I'm feeling like my brain ran a marathon without training-not a good feeling. I'm also feeling my foiled attempts to slow it down have led to further exhaustion. Somehow I am going to one day have to figure out how to maintain more control. What was once my best asset is over time becoming an adversary. I must admit that I am frightened of eventually going completely insane. If we've come to discover Alzheimer's to be nothing more than brain atrophy,what lies ahead for those who are hyper-extended and overloaded? Surely, there are drugs which subdue the brain's activity, unfortunately-they have yet to come up with one which allows you to be happy,creative and bright at the same time. It seems your ability to conjure creative thought and processes are tied to the right side of your brain which also controls emotional response. You're either all here or nothing at all.It's a dark place to be, struggling within and you'll seldom get the support and understanding that you might receive if you had a more mainstream one ever suggests you, "Take it easy." if you're say, suffering from an AIDS related illness or otherwise terminal physical ailment.

I've some projects and events in the works that I'd really like to devote more time to, if I could clear the shadows long enough. I'm pushing myself, I know but sometimes I have to in order to differentiate fatigue from depression. It can be as chameleonesque as Oprah. Note: (Before some fanatical Oprah-ite attempts to contact me)Get your own blog and pay homage, I do not accept comments. Thanks. Truly, some days I can sleep indefinitely and never feel quite rested enough, awakening with the same groggy lethargy that put me to sleep in the first place, and then there days when a call or company will boost my spirits. Nothing seems to work since Thursday evening. And I'm certain it's not some, "Oh I'm old" pathetic birthday blues, because I'm reflectively grateful for all of my years, even the bad ones.

I drafted out some of my mission statement/product branding specs for my jewelry line today. I'm pleased with that. I also got working on some altered tins which will eventually be greeting cards in a can...pretty pleased about that as well. So, I'm moving just not at maximum capacity.Tonight is the new moon in Cancer, typically symbolic of increased awareness and creativity, now that is a grand prospect. Let's see what it brings for me...and Joe. He has a gig next weekend, it's the first time in a while that he's performed LIVE. He's done a few Internet radio shows, but a live set is completely different. C'mon Moon, show me whatcha got!

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