"Foolish Human #1" sends a friend request, and I do my usual: I read their profile, followed by, hmm, let me see if this person's pictures are private or not. It's a good thing when I can satisfy my curiosity without satisfying theirs; my pictures are private. Eh, not too bad, they're married, got a couple of attractive kids, a lot of faithbookery going on on the wall, but otherwise no red flags. Wrong. I accept the request and the first message reads:
GOD is good. Look at your beautiful family. Noone would believe me if I told them how you turned out after the way you were in [insert name of grammar school]. You were always hella smart, but honey you were WILDDDDD. lol. I still remember when you fought [name] and her cousin [name]. Do you remember that? Girl, GOD is TOO GOOD all the time.
Blank stare, hits remove from friends.
"Foolish Human #2" sends a friend request, I repeat steps 1 and 2 and accept because...oh I don't know why. Now, I have certainly reconnected with some wonderful old acquaintances, but the truth is if I haven't looked you up since our third grade school play, chances are, I don't like you. First message:
Hey Tam -already unacceptable- Nice family. I read your profile, "fundamental fortune cookie [-ist]"...somehow I knew you'd turn out like that. LOL, You look good, though. God bless you (anyway). Signed, [insert name].
Raises left brow, (I can't raise my right one, can you alternate?) types up snarky reply, recalls interaction with Foolish Human #1, ugh transference-thinks better of it, deletes unsent snark, removes from friends and retreats to blog.
Um, can the people say, "What the hell?" Faith schmaith, the bible babble is the least of my worries, but do people really define others based on childhood experiences? Reflecting on both of these people along the same vein, I'd expect one of 'em to have served time for chocolate milk and Tater Tots extortion, and the other a member of the "high-waters-wearing-ringworm-having- booger-eater-ati" among many other grammar school faux pas.
It's become amusing now- well of course after typing that last part- but I couldn't help-if just for a moment, feel the familiar sting of social injustice which led me to whoop the two aforementioned girls' asses in the first place. Smugly smiles.