Okay, so perhaps I did glean something from those seemingly restless moments of "meditation". Yesterday, I realized something; my zine- the one I've been working on for a long time, all 16 pages (.5 zine) is currently trapped in the depths of a dead computer. I typed up the handwritten pages and saved them in Publisher to print and publish on my birthday, July 12th. I may never retrieve them. It gets better, I recycled the handwritten pages during the move to eliminate clutter.
My initial reaction was my usual initial reaction; the bowling ball assumed its familiar place in the center of my throat pressing on whatever it presses to make my temples throb with a feeling of imminent implosion. Then I sighed, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and thought, I lost a bunch of words-a bunch of arduously and meticulously strung words, but words just the same. I felt an immediate tingling throughout, the way one feels when something previously constricting has been released. Like removing your favorite way too small jeans or a gorgeous pair of not so bunion-friendly shoes. Relief.
I was relieved of the need to threaten the inanimate source of my frustrations with bodily harm via expertly, meticulously strung series of expletives. I didn't stomp, flail my arms or roll my eyes so emphatically that I could mentally hear the stretch and pull of the occipital rectus family. I didn't turn green or burst the seams of my already tattered pajamas. I just accepted that perhaps the Universe has something greater in store. Perhaps, it was time I released myself from my electronically tethered existence (as I type this blog post). Perhaps the Favorite Guy will rescue my musings from the trenches and be promoted to Exalted Warrior of the Zineosphere. Who knows what all of this is really about but, I'm making my way through it all with a calm heart.
My initial reaction was my usual initial reaction; the bowling ball assumed its familiar place in the center of my throat pressing on whatever it presses to make my temples throb with a feeling of imminent implosion. Then I sighed, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and thought, I lost a bunch of words-a bunch of arduously and meticulously strung words, but words just the same. I felt an immediate tingling throughout, the way one feels when something previously constricting has been released. Like removing your favorite way too small jeans or a gorgeous pair of not so bunion-friendly shoes. Relief.
I was relieved of the need to threaten the inanimate source of my frustrations with bodily harm via expertly, meticulously strung series of expletives. I didn't stomp, flail my arms or roll my eyes so emphatically that I could mentally hear the stretch and pull of the occipital rectus family. I didn't turn green or burst the seams of my already tattered pajamas. I just accepted that perhaps the Universe has something greater in store. Perhaps, it was time I released myself from my electronically tethered existence (as I type this blog post). Perhaps the Favorite Guy will rescue my musings from the trenches and be promoted to Exalted Warrior of the Zineosphere. Who knows what all of this is really about but, I'm making my way through it all with a calm heart.
First thing on the NEW! challenge list was to write the list. Let's just say I'm off to a less than auspicious start.
Peace
20 comments:
Oh no!! I hope that you aren't computerless for long. Hopefully you'll be able to also find some calm after you've finished your projects. Lord knows, I could really use some calm right now... and a little inspiration, lol.
What a great attitude you have. I need some of your zen. Sorry about the lost words.
Awwww lawd. Don't know why the words mo' better blues came to mind! Girl, there have got to be Mo' Better Blues.
Ok. How 'bout serendipity.
Because, even though you did all you could to preserve your creative life's work, it was just not meant to be.
Look at is as a graceful opportunity to re-ignite the creative flame...re-fuel those words with your chi's ultimate desire for you...confirm your voice with powerful reassurance.
Hugs,
Mama Shujaa
So sorry about the lost words, but as you said, they are just words. And more importantly, your words, so perhaps not lost after all:):)
A dead computer and lost words....perspective is the key. There are many times I wished we had no computers (not many, but some) and words....you really aren't just words. Words are just that...letters on some paper. Besides girl....there are no words to describe you...make up some new ones.
Maybe if the words are found you will find they aren't the right words afterall!
Yoga is an a amazing discipline! I always feel better about life in general and my health when I go through my periods of dedication to Yoga. So glad you could calm yourself in that way!
Well good for you for not losing control and finding some peace in the midst of mental chaos. You're a better woman than I, there, that's for sure! :)
Thank you so much for your sweet comment on my last post. It meant a lot...
Kate
way to handle it all. and it's funny, but when i've been in similar situations (nothing nearly as long as your 16 pages, though), i've handled it sorta the same. something just comes over me like, " *sigh*. well what are ya gonna do?"
breathe and regroup.
(and i've been at a loss for what i wanna say about the topic for the zine you sent out the email about. i thought it would come to me so easily, but i guess since there's so much *to* say and that i *could* say, it's a bit of a challenge!)
OK, everyone's being very Zen and supportive but I'm taking another route....
NO, no, no, no....I've been waiting for those words!%#$?!!
OK, now calmness can reign, and I will just wait longer for your zine! It will come.....
Yikes!! Well, I'm glad that a full fledged breakdown was avoided. Yes, yes. If hubby can't retrieve your words then this just means that the next 16 pages of words will be even better than the last 16 pages of words.
Hugs and a deep exhale.
Well, I am very sorry for the loss of all your hard work, but equally inspired by your attitude. I could use a bit of that acceptance of what is, (instead of resistance) in my being. Thanks for sharing. ox
I recently lost my emails from the last 18 months.I thought no biggie, i'll just retrieve them from my back up. Guess what back up doesn't work anymore. I too took your attitude. oh well, not only emails are lost but other important files. May never get them back, i'm okay. breathe. just keep breathing.
One thing about your words is you are one that is blessed to have a plethora of beautiful ones. It's like a millionaire losing 16 thousand dollars, you'll notice it, but it won't hurt you.
Your words are not lost, just in a different place. And, we ARE the in crowd whether we tweet or not.
Love ya, T.
xo Sherry
Well you demonstrated more self control than I could ever dream of. I am an anger ho since dealing with my health issues. Ugh...Im trying hard to change.
Can I say how absolutely thrilled I am that you found me again. I though sure my life was ending and wiped out my entire blog thus loosing all my favorites. Imagine my chagrin when I survived! So thrilled to be back here and to make contact with you gain!
smiles
Darlie
aka "LiBBy BuTTons"
It seems like when you sit to redo what has been lost it comes out better - or what it should have been in the first place.
I can perfctly understand you. Words are not just mere words. They are you words, goddammit :-)! I quite like you calm attitude, though.
Greetings from London.
I love this! I am so there...so there with letting go..."removing my favorite pair of too small jeans". I hope your find your old words, but the words you wrote in this posr were powerful :)
Oh that must've been tough!! But like others, am inspired by your attitude. Wishing you all the best!!
Like your blog :)
You do have a wonderful attitude about the whole thing and given your proclivity to be a wordsmith I think you will come up with something even better this time.
thanks for the comment... I left a response! :)
Post a Comment