Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I am a chronic key loser/misplacer. It's something I've struggled with since my 'tweens when I was first given keys. A therapist once attributed it to unhappiness at home. While that may very well be partly true, much later and in much happier times, I continued to lose my keys.
In the same way that chronic tardiness has been linked to self-worth and self importance, I feel my chronic key loss is some deeper longing for the right fit, or maybe not. Perhaps, I'm shunning the whole premise that one needs, must fit in at all.
In 2003, a series of events led to a period I refer to as "when I lost my mind." Oddly enough, the most obvious indicator that I was, in fact growing weak in my resolve was an overwhelming sense of wanting- almost needing to fit in, to belong. I was attaching myself and clinging in a way that I'd never consciously done before. The energy, the fear, the anxiety I experienced as I struggled for completion contingent on something/someone other than my Self was infinitely exhausting. It felt like all those times as a child when I'd lost my keys; only now, magnified exponentially. I could hear the voices of well-meaning family and friends. "Were you here? Were you there? Are they on a chain? Are there three keys? On a purple lanyard?" "Yes! Yes!", I'd answer eager and excited. Only to hear their dismal replies, "Sorry we can't find them either".
Isn't that really what fitting in and belonging is like? It's having company on the road as you amble along in search of the key. Perhaps, the key isn't lost, but hiding; only to reveal itself once your companions have strayed the path and, you've uncovered all of the people and places to whom you don't belong. What do you think?
at 10:20 AM