Friday, November 2, 2007

Life has been a bit complex lately. I'm happy but I'm not, it's a sort of odd ambivalence about everything these days. I keep telling myself that doing the right thing is always the longest most taxing route, and yet there's this entitled little voice in my ear lamenting about a "break". In fact it says, "What the hell already, damn it?!" Some days I don't have the energy for the depth of introspection required to raise myself up and above cultural and societal standards. My non-conformance armor has a few vulnerable rusted areas, and I admit sometimes I'd just like to be a bit lavish and careless. Only to be followed by guilt, so you can't win, I suppose. We're just at the eight of hard times in our lives right now (not to be confused with bad times) just a lot of transitioning going on simultaneously in every facet of our existence, family, finance, friendships. I know we're headed somewhere greater with all of the due diligence we've put in, but it does nothing to assuage the growing pains of here and now. Some evenings, some days period. i gaze over at Joe and wonder where he gets all of this energy and strength from. Not that I doubted him, because I do not invest in people I don't believe in, but he has surpassed any of the unspoken expectations that I had for our family. He has just really taken the bull by the horns and set up a life for all of us that puts us in position to maximize our potential. At every turn, for-as a mother, and allowing me the opportunity to build string character in my children and for them giving them the safety net at home preparing them for the uncertainties of adulthood. There really is so much in which I can be grateful. I needed to do just what I did when I started feeling shitty. I prepared and Alka-Seltzer, sat in lotus pose with a straight back took a deep breath and let it all out, right here. So, I guess I did have the energy to devote to some introspection, eh? I feel better now.
I think I'll go play with Anju and Biju...they're too cute. i already started looking for Christmas present for them, they're going to be so excited!

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