Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Parenting by the book...


Because blunt force trauma is NOT an option. (Note: I am a steadfast advocate of AP and any reference to physical trauma/corporal punishment is an outlet for my perverse fantasies of being a crazed bad ass.)

Ah the joys of parenting. I knew my time would come-you know the time when my sweet child would be abducted by the Bad Attitude Aliens from Planet Tween Brat and implanted with a device which affects their ability to discern from acceptable acts and those of assholiness. Actually, I lie. Jordan- while his ability to tell time and make curfew is often questionable-(as is much of his overall pubescent male judgment), he is exceptionally pleasant. I thought perhaps, just maybe by some FAR stretch of the imagination- given my own youthful personality offenses, I had bred some advanced well-adjusted aptly social neophyte. Not.

There has been an influx in duck-lipped (grossly exaggerated pouting) eyes-rolling, foot stomping, hyperventilating tween girl in a tizzy antics 'round these parts. And the worst part is, "nothing is wrong". "What's wrong?" Mumbles, "nothing". "Well why do you look like that?" "Like what", as the first eye roll is delivered. "Like this". I put on my thespian mom hat and engage in a brief game of charades. Whining ensues, as she says something unintelligible followed by "Nothingggggggggggggggggggggggggggg". Lips begin to stretch, eyes roll and roll and rolllllllllll, she rocks back in the seat to gain momentum as she rises to full erectness and stomps her flat little fresh-mouthed girl feet across my floor (when I'm annoyed I become unnecessarily territorial, other examples include but are not limited to; "You had better clean my damn kitchen") and into her CLOSET-also known as "Oh-my-god- I-really-hate-her-camp".


The best part is she will emerge shortly after with the NERVE to interrupt my double Alka-Seltzer on the rocks and a repeat of a repeat of Forensic Files (I need to be reminded that the criminals always get caught.) and says in a dulcet tone, "What're we having for _____(insert: breakfast, snack, lunch, dinner-just for plain ol' shits and giggles). Essentially she says, "Hey Robot Lady sans feelings! Yeah you with the stretch marks; no slacking on the job!" Sigh.

So, I bought these books by Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein today. One is for me and the other is for us-after all, we're in this thing together, she and I. I used what would have been my new Moo cards money, I figure promotional materials aren't practical in the penitentiary; first things first. I'll let you know how it goes. At least I have another night of American Idol auditions to chortle over and glazed donuts. Winks.


Peaceful Parenting

19 comments:

fly tie said...

oh lord, the attitude-y monsters gotten ahold of yael??? yes, save her now!


"promotional materials aren't practical in the penitentiary"

ha!

mmm....glazed donuts. i overdosed on oatmeal cookies last night. sugar sugar sugar.

A Cuban In London said...

I think the book titles say it all :-). Good luck.

Greetings from London.

shiborigirl said...

Oh, my. I guess my parents weren't members of the AP club - I wouldv'e had a back hand across the mouth for sass like that. But they were Old School. "Kids should be seen and not heard".

Good luck to you - you seem like you'll hang tough and you'll all be the better for it on the other side. Then she'll be your best friend.

Maybe you should lay in a good, large, stockpile of quality scotch to see you through?

Kate

Lisa B. said...

You're so funny! I'm so glad I no longer have a teen aged girl in my house:)

lori vliegen said...

ooh, i've been there, done that! all i'll say is "buckle your seatbelt sweet gal, it's going to be a bumpy ride"!

(and i agree with kate...someday she will be your best friend...i'm living proof of that, too!) :)

Yvonne said...

Yeah, my daughters 5 and the attitude is already starting. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it when she's 15. Whew...ya'll gotta pray for me.

High Desert Diva said...

*winces*
I was the queen of the eye roll.

Hang in there.....

MBB Founder and Editor Denene Millner said...

Ha'. Mercy.

I have a 9-year-old.

She is generally sweet.

But I've gotten a glimpse of the assholians creeping into the house...

Send. Help.

Libby Buttons said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Libby Buttons said...

I am the envy of this post. Not only did I raise my son, I also raised 3 stepsons and a stepdaughter. Can't believe I've lived to tell the tale. Take my advice and put Prozac in the Kool-aid.
smiles
LiBBy

Kala Pohl Studio said...

Kids (laughs)! Sometimes I think, we never did that with our parents, did we?? Think again really hard - yes we did:):)

Jewelry Rockstar said...

Yes, well I'm pretty much over the shock of this with my first daughter (12 yrs), and I'm enjoying every moment of the little girliness of daughter # 2 (7 yrs), knowing that one day it's coming. The assholiness is tough to deal with. However, there is hope. They are going through a lot, and show it through all the smart-ass bull, but they also show it by coming in for a big long hug. All I can say it meditate, journal, punish, laugh, cry,fuss, and stay the course.

Remember, I am in this struggle with you so don't hesitate to write when needed:)

Jewelry Rockstar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer said...

Love your perspective on things! I hope the books are helpful...already worth it I think :) My your Moo card money be replaced and you enjoy them in freedom, LOL!

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Donuts? Okay, you distracted me for a moment with talk of donuts and idol. Based on this synopsis of your daughter's behavior, I am glad that I have a boy child.

Diva Ma said...

We were good until you had to say glazed donuts when I'm over here fighting the urge to bake a batch of brownies.

Oh I am not ready for the attitude, think you know every thing, parents are lame, tween years. I have a while with my daughter, but my son's are almost there. Let me know how that book works out for you guys.

Cecile/DreamCreateRepeat said...

Yeah, daughers....ummmm. Eye rolls, attitude, flounces....check! On the other hand: middle son (go check today's post)....mosh pit injury, rolling-blading broken bones, "misunderstanding" with police office resulting in expunged record.

Missed yesterday's post: you go girl!!

Kwana said...

Oh I so feel you pain big time. I have boy/girl twins that just turns 15 yesterday. I love your writing. You now have a new fan.

Ms. Bar B: said...

Those sound like some cool books. If anything, they definitely have some rockin' covers. I love all things "diary", lol.

Lil' mama is 10 you say? Well, brace yourself. If her mood swings are brand new and just came outta nowhere... it might be time to have the special "becoming a woman" talk. Yes, THAT one. Her time might be coming near, hence the sudden hormonal outbursts.

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