Saturday, April 4, 2009

Untitled

This is the shadow cast of me, drafting this post in my head.
For more shadows, head over to Hey Harriet's, where Sunday shadow shots abound.


It's been...I don't know...what, two weeks or so since my grandmother's stroke and subsequent familial acts of assholery? And, I'm still shaking it off?! I'm in that place; I'm screening my calls, writing open letters, rehearsing cuss-outs -replete with neck and eye-rolling in front of the master bath mirror behind a closed door, and a closed heart. Of course I know better, but there is a familiar comfort about this place. Anger, like oft-worn shoes, we know each other well. We've traveled many miles anger and I, for many years.

I sat out back yesterday for what felt like an eternity; pursed lips, tense shoulders, shaking my head in that doubtful, hopeless way. It was breezy-cool even, for an Arizona afternoon. As the winds blew, I took notice of the leaves that had grown on frail, young trees; some have even blossomed. For all I know, they could have grown as I sat. My thoughts, my ideas, my surroundings have all been blurred behind an angst-filled film.

Something though- something about the day felt brighter, it felt fresh and new. And, I knew my gut to be true in that intrinsic way that you just know things have got to get better. The birds, the large maize butterflies, their weightless fluttering, their directionless flight, the fortuitous deliberation of their presence and of mine, of that moment. In a whimsical legato, they beckoned, "free your mind, let it go, shake it off". So, I did it, and it worked, and I grew as I sat.
Peace

21 comments:

Jewelry Rockstar said...

Big online hug to you. Hang in there. Love you.

Sylvia K said...

I've been in that place several times in my life so I do relate. I hold good thoughts for you, send you a hug with love! And it's a great shadow!

Sweet Repose said...

And the butterflies have spoken, no truer words albeit...wisdom in minute form, all we have to do is listen...and be at peace.

Have a wonderful weekend...
sharon

Kathy said...

Sending peaceful thoughts your way. :)

bobbie said...

I really like that shadow.
but I hope you have shaken it off, and have found a smoother path to follow. I've been there too. I guess we all have. It's no fun!
Peace

M Ayers said...

Oh girl...I know how it goes. Many well wishes your way to find that place of zen.

I am going through the same thing, and I realized (only about 2 days ago) that I was letting too many "nouns" (people, places, things) determine how I was going to feel each day.

I decided like Mariah Carey sang "I just got get up out of here, and go somewhere" and roller skated everyone's drama away with the kids.

I hope you get the chance to just be Meka and forget about the rest.

Peace

lori vliegen said...

hang tough, sweet gal. growing pains are never easy...but, oh so worth it, once you get to the other side! thinking of you...
:)

Hey Harriet said...

I like you fun shadow shot!

I'm sorry you've been going through such a painful time right now. I'm happy to hear that you are feeling a little more positive and have been able to shake some stuff away. It's very hard to do. Sending good vibes your way. Take care of yourself :)

fly tie said...

it's pretty phenominal...the workings of nature and the deliverence it can provide from internal turmoil. my never failing retreat when i need to let go.

peace.

Mytutorlist.com said...

There's something about taking notice of the details in nature and how they make you feel physically, that takes things out of your mind and into a different, more simple reality. I find it really helps me too.

I hope things get better for you.

Shannon said...

*sighs with relief* for you... it's hard to admit to ourselves what anger does to our souls! I've been up and down that road too many times to share! I'm glad you were able to take some peace in the world and move on and away from your anger! What a great way to do it!

High Desert Diva said...

I love the shadow...but I do believe this is one of the best posts I've ever read.




Sending you an I've-been-there-I-know-this-feeling hug your way....

Gallery Juana - ギャラリー ワナ said...

Powerful post and the shadow image is equally expressive.

So sorry to hear about your Grandmother.

Nature is our best teacher of turmoil, change and regrowth. Sending a hug and hoping the best for you.

Yvonne said...

Damn, sometimes life just sucks and its hard not to dwell on the negative. It's hard to get to that quiet and still place. I can relate to the struggle and I understand that anger.
All that I know for sure is that once you find that good silence things will open up. You know the silence when your mind stops wondering and your mouth stops moving. The silence where you can hear your heart in your ears and the slight breeze from your breathing. Once you get there, clarity will come. Blessings.

shiborigirl said...

Love this shot. If you hadn't told us what it was, I'd have been scratching my head and guessing into next year!

I'm so glad you found that moment of peace. Family dramas are SO hard, and if it takes you practice-cussing in the bathroom to get through it, well, "Cuss on, Sister!" I say. Better to cuss at the mirror than at the offending parties - that can cause unfixable rifts.

Keep deep breathing and drinking in the nature around you. You are a very strong woman.

Cyber-Hugs,

Kate

The Summer Kitchen Interiors said...

What a curious shadow...you really had to study it to figure out what it was! Loved your writing too...you have a way of drawing us into your thoughts. May you have a wonderful week!

Kym said...

Awesome shadow shot! I send peace and serenity your way....keep freeing your mind...I have had to do that all so often myself...hope that this week is much more calm for you and your family!

whizkid said...

Peace, yes!

that's a great shadow shot...and you write so well :)

Caroline D. said...

wow, my family went through some major assholery the past two years and I am watching so many of us get eaten up with anger. I'm so sorry you are dealing with that.

presious said...

Wow,

You really have a way with words. I almost float into another dimension as I read your entry. Often I go through the same mood swings. I've decided to take supplements (natural) because I just couldn't stand it anymore. Sure I do occasionally still have the experiences but they are not nearly as intense. I think I am prone to them as my mom was and two sisters are quite severe.

My way of taking care of myself use to be to isolate, unable to get out of bed, crying most of the day until it ran its course. Didn't know how to do anything else. Then I had a family, four kids, now young adults. Had to get more aggressive in coping with it.

In contrast, I think the mind is quite a strong tool. I try to think positive as much as I possibly can for every negative event. Yes, it takes a tremendous amount of effort, but it is soo worth it.

Hope I didn't bore you with my own experience. If so, I am sooooo sorry. My life is so much better now. Keep your head up, do what works for you.

JuLiE_MaX said...

We've traveled many miles together, anger and I...

THANK YOU! I know this all too well.

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