A little back story, if you will. It's easy to think I've got this thing down- y'know, the balance of holding on and letting go- with all of the purging and my admirable display of mock-sanity when my hard drive died, I can see how one might get that idea. Be not fooled, although I appear open and unattached there is one large area of my life where I am haplessly stagnate in an impassioned, pale-fisted, death grip: the imminent departure of our first child.
Yesterday was Favorite Guy's 41st birthday, per his request it was a low-key family day with lots of carbs and no company. He was pleased-excited even, evidenced as he thumbed the book I gave him, chortled over his cards, and the way he pressed his new brown cargo shorts to his waist and modeled them like a 3D paper doll. There was a glow and a soft, sweet, child-like smile which befell his face as he stood over his 9 cupcakes. Don't ask.
As Jordan and Yael began to belt the cacophony that is the birthday song, I toggled between glances of them and of him, of Jordan and of him, and of Jordan again, then I paused. I reflected on the twenty-two birthdays Favorite Guy and I have shared together and the family we've created, thinking how young we both were, and my heart sank. Ack! We were Jordan's age! In a moment of clarity magnified by the tears welling behind my camera lens, I realized that my leading man- the one before me, cheeks puffed to exaggerated capacity for a single candle-is someone's "boy".
For most of the night, I lay half awake empathizing- for...I believe...the first time- with the special brand of crazy to which my mother-in-law subscribes. I'm not at all ready for this.
For most of the night, I lay half awake empathizing- for...I believe...the first time- with the special brand of crazy to which my mother-in-law subscribes. I'm not at all ready for this.
Peace and growth
3 comments:
my heart cries out for you! I think about the day when my kids leave this house in search of whatever it is they will do with their lives (successfully, of course) and I shed some tears. I know they won't be here forever. Thanks for sharing your thoughts... as always they are so eloquent and TRUE!!!
Glad the Favorite Guy had a nice celebration of life.
I still have some time before I start feeling the need to hold on. You never know how it all will play out. He just might be comfortable right where he is for a while =)
You know these moments of clarity are both so exciting because you "get it" but dang, if they are so humbling at the exact same time and usually with the same intensity. For me, anyway. I loved this post.
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