Tuesday, July 14, 2009

On Life in Ink

A "Not Mine and Noteworthy" from my latest Antiques District expedition


The only thing weightier than the scent of fat meat and humidity were the hearts of a family in despair. As I typed these words, I knew I had entered dangerous territory; I had broken a Black family cardinal rule: silence.

Growing up, the only thing I ever got in trouble for was talking. I even talked about getting in trouble for talking about not talking. "Cheryl asked me what you and I talked about and I told her I couldn't tell. But, don't tell her I told you she asked, okay?" This was a recurring discussion between myself and childhood therapists. It is also what I believe to be the catalyst to my obsession with speaking about life and the subsequent creation of outlets for such speech: imaginary friends, writing, and art. I discovered a loophole; a way to speak without talking.

This brings me to where I am today, ambivalent and perhaps even afraid; as I put the finishing touches on the intro to a series of tell all tales. My inner child, Fear, has me by the throat firmly yet tentatively as she asks, "Are you sure about this, are we going to get in trouble"? As a child, I couldn't wait to become an adult so that I could do whatever I wanted. As an adult, I can- in no uncertain terms, be stopped by the same child. So with resolve, I swallow and continue to type.



Think or discuss: What is your inner child keeping you from?




Peace and courage

12 comments:

mairedodd said...

i feel like i just got hit with a 2x4 across my head! i am seeing things that i hadn't thought about... with the exception of my recent hp posts, i usually delve into living (as you know)... i have great fears about talking, about being read by a certain someone, that comes from my adult life... but i thank you so much for this... while i am sorry that you feel these things, perhaps it is just these things that make you so insightful and wonderful to read... and so i thank you more than you know... you have given me much to think about... like why i need to say certain things 'out loud' in the blogosphere for daily affirmation, etc... as always, a wonderful post...

A Cuban In London said...

After reading your opening paragraph I felt as if it had been my daughter asking me that question twenty years from now.

Go, girl, go! Spill the beans! :-)

Greetings from London.

Shannon said...

it's so funny... i was just talking to a friend yesterday a bit about my childhood... secrets i never thought i'd tell a soul! i also have few memories of my childhood, i think my inner child has blocked things from my memory that she doesn't think i can handle.. and i base that solely on the things i do remember!

Jennifer said...

Wow. Wow. wow.!!! I hope you spill it. You totally said things that I didn't even know I felt, but you are so right. I used to get in trouble for talking, mostly for saying what I was thinking, but I guess I was too young to say or think some things, lol. Like you I found imaginary friends, art, and a whole world to express myself, but all inside. As an adult this isn't easy to overcome. I'm not sure what's blocked, what free, what's open, but not useful anymore...so I love this question and I'll have to reflect more.

Bless you and I can't wait to read what you've written!

Just Jules said...

my inner childhood is keeping me from seeing that I am physically beautiful. I have always known (since late h.s.) that I had inner beauty. But, I grew up awkward.. still see myself as goofy looking. I am now realizing I have finally grown into my body ...

fly tie said...

oh lawd, not fatback! ick.

your post reminds me of one i did on myspace:

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=82821363&blogId=407664481

i think my inner child has something to do with why i have no children and am subconsciously frightened about it all. that was a serious epiphany i had about myself.

"As a child, I couldn't wait to become an adult so that I could do whatever I wanted. As an adult, I can- in no uncertain terms, be stopped by the same child."

this is quotable, worthy of those people refer to when searching for quotes on particular subjects.

Libby Buttons said...

Apparently this tragedy is well rooted in European cultures as well. My family were/are the Masters of Silence. Threats of violence that were often carried out if you spoke up. Forbidden at the age of 17 to tearfully grieve my brothers death. Don't ever speak up or be so bold as to ask for what you need or...someone get's it....to this day I am crippled at setting boundaries or making my true needs known. Ive been in counseling for years as have my sisters. We all have multiple failed marriages and relationships. My shrink tells me I suffer from PTSD due to my rugged childhood. Thanks Mom & Dad.

Angela said...

I love this post. It really resonates with me; as I struggled through my twenties I realized so much of it had nothing to do with post-adolescent angst but with leftover childhood fears.

Kathy said...

My dad ruled in our house. All he had to do was look at me and I would run to my room crying. He never hit me, but just the threat of a belt or the back of a hairbrush was enough to keep me in line.

In truth, he was a very troubled man. Tough on the outside but terribly fragile on the inside.

My mother sat quietly and never spoke her mind about anything. I thought they had this wonderful marriage until I got older and realized that they had it all wrong.

As an young adult, I started out like my mom and then something happened. I realized that I was a really good person and that I had some wonderful things to say and I intended to say them.

I've never looked back.

Thanks for the wonderful post.

Dina said...

Ummm... remember wisdom. Words spoken are like water which has been poured. On certain grass, it will help to nourish, on other grass it seems to do nothing but puddle up and become a nuisance. (I too, recall the code of "what happens in this house, stays in this house"). Here's to good and right decisions!

Caroline D. said...

Everytime I come to your blog I am nourished in some way...

I have been dealing A LOT with growing from a child to an adult (all in the last year, thought I was supposed to be an adult 12 years ago!)

My childhood has left remnants like a deep sense of shame about who I am, and unwillingness to be honest with people around me for fear they will use information against me (I am the QUEEN of being vague) being VERY VERY good at anticipating what another wants from me and serving that up on a platter...

I could go on and on as we all could. The striking thing to me though, is how many people refuse or can't recognize that this all starts sooooo far back, ages 0-6 are the ones that form you, not, as Angela said, the misunderstood teenage years.

Thanks for opening your heart and your journey to me and your other readers. It supports the journey in us all.

Ananda said...

Hi Tea and Honey Bread. I learned about your blog from MyBrownBaby. I love your post for today. It made me think of my little girl archetype Puf who got scared so many times while writing my books. She had the same fears you speak about. I had to get my other 7 archetypes on board and help Puf see that things were going to be okay through surrender.

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