The changing of my voice

"Soul Sister" earrings by Mary Jane Dodd

I've pretty much been in isolation since the collapse of my marriage. It hasn't been a stagnate isolation however, as I've progressed quite a bit throughout the months. I'd say at this point, as I'm settling into my NEW! apartment, it isn't as much isolation as it is rehabilitation. I pulled back when things got noisy, I'm an HSP, so it doesn't take much for well-intended advice and concern to cross over into agitating cacophony.

I have however, kept a little fairy door open and managed to make and keep some very special attachments on my journey to wellness and becoming whole again. The earrings in the photo above were sent to me by a fellow artist and dear, dear friend to remind me that I am "never alone". There are also, my other soul sisters and brethren who keep a song playing in my heart when I'm deaf with despair. Thank you, all.

And then, there is my partner of whom I can not say enough wonderful things, so I won't. What I will say is that for every seemingly hopeless thing I express, I am being replenished. I am being restored and the Universe has rewarded me in kind. I don't do saints, gods and demons, but I do love, and love is being done unto me.

Everyday is not a bad day, and while the intensity of this experience is discomforting, revolutions are seldom peaceful. If pressed to find the good in the worst days, I'd say it was nightfall and the knowledge that I've almost made it through.

The timing and my decision to go public with all that has transpired over the course of this year is largely in part to the discovery of a strength I never knew possible, much less a strength that I possessed. In the past I've shared recipes and movie reviews, and quips about the perils of parenting pubescent children. I thought it only fair to share the stories which lead to the changing of my voice.

Peace and thanks

Another day, another year

When I wrote this post just a few years ago, this post was a hard blink. Y'know the the blink? You do it when you hear of someone else's misfortune; a blink hard enough to will yourself invisible with hopes a similar fate doesn't befall you. These blinks can sometimes be accompanied by brisk shaking of the head to clear your mental slate of the tragic thought.

November 14, 1988 was the day it all began for Joe and I, it was the official start of our courtship. These days however, it rivals for attention on the calendar between dates like the day he moved out, the day I found out about her, his days with the children and ultimately, our day in court.

I shed a few tears of frustration moments past midnight as the "am" light on my iPod dock turned red, the date changed and I realized that today was another one of the things I forgot to grieve. There are just so many of them, those entanglements of together that I must sort through to re-establish healthy ties in a life apart. I'm ambling through a minefield of memories that woefully still have enough force to burst right through the sunshine of days' new.


"Another day, another year", I tell myself. Time is a great healer.

Peace and time

Saturday morning

It is Saturday morning, yes? I never know.

This has long been one of my favorite songs; a true classic. No matter where I've been in my life, it has resonated with me. Ever since I first heard it in the restlessness and rebellion of my youth and even today as I teeter on the precipice of a revolution.

I've got what I believe to be the flu, and what I know to be a carpet that needs vacuuming and a cat box or three that need scooping. I've also got a far more riveting piece of work in my drafts folder and some checks that need writing on my desk. I'm drinking my second mug of coffee, it's poorly pressed and grinds are settling in rings at incremental stages along the innards of my mug. I sip and swirl, sip and swirl and wonder if I should just abandon it for the perfectly brewed beer that sits in the fridge.

I'm missing a partner this morning, I don't have anything particularly profound to say, and I'm not necessarily in need of a hug, but it'd be nice to have someone on the receiving end of my rhythmic keyboard rappings and rather unpleasant cough. No, I'm not lonely, but the oneness of this Saturday morning is jarring.

Peace

Now, where was I?

It has been some time since my last post, and in all honesty it hasn't been for lack of words to speak. So much is happening everyday on this journey that I simply lack the time, and dare I say eloquence to put it all down for posterity.

My divorce is fully underway, and by that I mean legally and the unfortunate host of fuckery that accompanies a dissolution of this magnitude. Just think,you put your very best face forward for the beginning of times but that mean old ugly one you got saved up for Neverary thirty-second becomes clear and present at the end of times. It is the absolute worst.

I try to compare it to other major life changes and the way we fickle humans conjure up all kinds of excuses and defenses, real and imagined, true and outright blasphemous, to ease and justify our transition. It is a death you see coming and really there is no handbook for fear and grief. So, while it hurts like hell and I feel most days like I must have spent the last twenty-two years in some alternate reality, at day's end, I can simply chalk it up to the horrors of (in)humanity. We really ought to be nicer to each other, go give someone a hug today, smile at a stranger. I'm telling you, your gesture might very well make their day.

The young people seem to be adjusting well, I foster much open communication about the changes they are both witnessing and experiencing. I envy their flexibility and ability to adapt, and just roll with the punches; someday, soon come.

I hope all of you are doing well. I want to once again, thank you for your continued support and readership. If you have noticed I am no longer on Facebook, as I am practicing a little "Save (Face)book". This is not an easy time for our family, and the sensitivity of the matter-unfortunately, seems to be lost on some.

This is where you'll find me go forward. Between us here, I like you all best. Do leave a brief note to let me know you were here and are well.

Peace and friendship