The Scintilla Project: Day Seven

The prompt: Talk about a time when you saw your mother or father as a person independent of his or her identity as your parent.

Talk of the units always presents with a bit...OK a boatload, of trepidation. As the once-- but no longer-- only child of addicts, I've struggled through the years to let my siblings have their own reality, their own experiences and mostly their own voice, often stifling mine in the process, but that ended when my writing began.

I'll tell you that much of my life I've seen my mother as anything but a mother. For the entirety of my childhood, I was the parent, hers and mine, and later my siblings and lastly--still amidst my childhood, my own children.

She is the subject of many unpublished essays, therapy sessions and my own looming fears. She's just so flawed, so human, so independent of her identity as anything or anyone, and subsequently independent of obligations to anything or anyone. I find her equally as shameful as she is enviable.

I could go on forever about the times she disappointed me, "dropped the ball", but what I fear I'll never understand is why I always rush to pick it up, again and again, until I'm juggling-- mother, daughter, sister, teacher, friend, therapist, perpetual fixer-upper to the clan. I've spent my life navigating and surviving her independence. What I'd like is to someday bear witness to the declaration of my own independence; a life independent of codependency.   

The Scintilla Project: Day Five

The prompt: Show a part of your nature that you feel you've lost. Can you get it back? Would it be worth it?

Aah... if I knew then what I know now. I've heard it, I've said it, I've willed it, wished it, vied it over and over and over, again and again and again. And, now I know. I know now, that which had I known then would place me exactly where I am now--only sooner, and for longer; wishing, vying, over and over and over, again and again and again that I didn't know-- not then, not now, not ever, what it is that I know now.

Two subtle divots, at the upturned corners of my lips ago, alongside a certain soft and supple something in the light of my eyes; regrettably, I never took note of them until the day they went away, the day I learned what I'd wished I'd known, but now know, and wish I didn't.

It was a time when forever meant for ever, when there was but one version of the truth, when love was more than enough and that meant by default, I--in love, and being loved--was more than enough too. It was a time of innocence, of ignorance, of bliss, it may very well have been the best of times. But, I wanted to know, to know better, and so now I do, only I wish I didn't. Aah... if I knew then what I know now.

The Scintilla Project: Day Two

The prompt: When did you realise you were a grown up? What did this mean for you? Shock to the system? Mourning of halcyon younger days? Or the embracing of the knowledge that you can do all the cool stuff adults do: drink wine, go on parent-free vacations, eat chocolate without reprimand? 

The short of it--I'm not grown yet. I'm thirty-eight, and if the powers that be wouldn't spare me this earthly existence in the throes of past years' miseries, that Bitch--capitalized with all due reverence-- had better let me live long enough to make sense of it all.

The long of it--depending when asked, I'll dig deep into my mental crates and offer you a tale or twelve of victory and some defeat, starring me, in what sometimes looks a lot like a -- neck roll, eye roll, pursed-lips-- grown ass woman, but one can never be too certain.

Was it my wedding day? I was eighteen years and a whole fourteen long summer days old. Mayhaps...

It could have been the twenty eight hours of grueling anything-but-natural, natural childbirth. Or, the time spent thereafter in NICU deciphering medical jargon whilst my painfully engorged breasts leak and my child lay cyanotic. Maybe it was when I finally got to bring him home...or, last December when he left home.   

Maybe, it came in the subtle silence of the formative years, his and mine and ours, when we were three. Or was it amidst the storm when I fled, or when he fled, or when I fled again? No umbrella, no coat.

 

Perhaps, I clenched the moment like a baton? Twenty-four and relaying back and forth between two lives, two loves: the one that felt right and the one that was right. Then again, I just knew I felt a certain tinge of something when I committed...recommitted, to the latter. Sacrifice, take one for the "team", isn't that what grown-ups do?

Did I lay my claim to adulthood at 26; one last push and bellow, the birth of child number two. Or is it in my admirable resistance to push back when she pushes my buttons; vitriol spewing from pink, angry, pubescent rage-filled lips?  

The moments when it all falls apart are as relevant on the journey as when it all comes together. Maybe it's all of these things collectively, and maybe it's none at all. Growing... grown...I just want to hold on long enough to make sense of it all. 

The Scintilla Project: Day Four

The prompt: What does your everyday look like? Describe the scene of your happiest moment of every day.

The rich stench of dark, freshly pressed, fair trade, organic lust fills the air whilst the tea kettle whistles. Harmoniously, cats trill and purr, busheled tails dancing to the beat of a new day's desert sun. Standing still in the east corner of my starting over space, the warmth of strong hands descend my neck and shoulders as chills and tangibly goosed skin ascend to meet them. "Good morning, _____", he greets me. I gaze over my left shoulder untoward him and return what we've come to refer to as simply, the look. We each smile, and while no words are uttered, much is said as I grab my mug and he fills his.

I nestle into the soft, floral chair afront my desk, mug raised, blank screen before me, steam fogs my lenses, but I don't care. I am watching him intently from an unobstructed periphery; blinking softly, slowly, steadily, I will the etching of this moment for eternity--which literally begins in less than 6 months.

I lower the mug from my lips just as the telephone rings and a New York City exchange shows on the caller ID. Smiling, I nod in blissful satiation, "Hi ____", I say, raising an octave and my foggy lenses, "I was just thinking about you!"

  

Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.-Gibran

      

The Scintilla Project: Day One

Who are you? Come out from behind that curtain and show yourself.

Who am I?

I saw this prompt and wanted to run...

One year and two months ago in the blink of a mascara-caked lash and a lustful, wandering eye, my life's story and much of my identity were leveled; one match, one wind in the woods out west. I am humble.

Several months I lay on two tear-stained pillows--stationary, on one half of a bed once shared. I am wounded.

One psychiatric ER visit and five prescriptions later, I am unwell.

Friends-- few but dear, share warmth and well-wishes in words and offerings. I am loved.

A trip, a glossed lip, a feigned--albeit well-executed, self-assured sway of the hip, no slip. Laughs coyly. I am back.

Two children in tow, sans one spouse, one half of a hyphenated name, two thousand fewer square feet, and two months later. I am here.

Two strong arms, two brown eyes, one great smile, a loyal, golden heart, one marvelous man. I am ready.

I saw this post and wanted to run, I am not a runner. I am a writer, and this is where my story begins...again.

Who are you? Come out from behind that curtain and show yourself.

More from the Scintilla Project here.