J-Murk (Jordan) performs in Scottsdale, AZ Saturday, also known as "The Day After Christmas Crash" I sat sated, pensively feeling on a handful of new beads; both in my hands and mind's eye. Only one eye though, as the other ogle my new journal and color scanner; key components in my quest to break off the monitor and into print with my doodlings and musings. Yael Rose sit in her whimsy-filled quarters, focusing intently on her new skateboard and instructional guide for girl skaters. Joe is fidgeting with gadgets I should surely know by name after 20 years of art and love. He has that look...the one we all get around here when we're trying to balance the beckoning of the muse against the bellowing of real life. And the phone rings...(per usual I'm the only one who hears it) Grimace.
Hello... Din of voices. Hello...Hello Mommy? It's Jordan who has gone to a local venue to audition for their New year's Eve event. "Hey, how'd it go"? Most admirably restraining the desire to squeal-a mother knows these things, he says, "They liked me." Mom-always needing further clarification says, "Oh good, so you made it". To which he says, "Yes they liked me!" We exchanged a few more words then I hung up and told Joe the news. Yael Rose (yes, the same one who didn't hear the phone) enters and says, "Cool, Jordan made it!"
I go back to my spot and the playback begins, "Mom, they liked me..." It echoes through my thoughts in an almost surreal manner. For a moment, I'm frozen. I need to organize these thoughts, I need to make sense of what I'm feeling. Part of me feels like I need to have a grade school-like talk about self-acceptance and self esteem. But, I know better. In my heart, I know that Jordan is confident and self loving, I know that Jordan is a well-rounded young adult. In my [he]art though, I also know what he just said, what he is feeling is indeed genuine; completely honest. He does feel an overwhelming sense of acceptance at this moment, greater than even a mother's love. It's what we've been unknowingly preparing him for all along. Jordan is an artist; the Self and the craft are one. Pauses in ambivalence. Somehow, I suspect this realization weighs more heavily on me than him.
Hello... Din of voices. Hello...Hello Mommy? It's Jordan who has gone to a local venue to audition for their New year's Eve event. "Hey, how'd it go"? Most admirably restraining the desire to squeal-a mother knows these things, he says, "They liked me." Mom-always needing further clarification says, "Oh good, so you made it". To which he says, "Yes they liked me!" We exchanged a few more words then I hung up and told Joe the news. Yael Rose (yes, the same one who didn't hear the phone) enters and says, "Cool, Jordan made it!"
I go back to my spot and the playback begins, "Mom, they liked me..." It echoes through my thoughts in an almost surreal manner. For a moment, I'm frozen. I need to organize these thoughts, I need to make sense of what I'm feeling. Part of me feels like I need to have a grade school-like talk about self-acceptance and self esteem. But, I know better. In my heart, I know that Jordan is confident and self loving, I know that Jordan is a well-rounded young adult. In my [he]art though, I also know what he just said, what he is feeling is indeed genuine; completely honest. He does feel an overwhelming sense of acceptance at this moment, greater than even a mother's love. It's what we've been unknowingly preparing him for all along. Jordan is an artist; the Self and the craft are one. Pauses in ambivalence. Somehow, I suspect this realization weighs more heavily on me than him.
Peace, art and love
6 comments:
"They liked me."
No matter how confident we are,
a pleasure to hear.
it does for sure weigh more heavily upon you... you have the life experience to know that the euphoria that comes along with 'they like me' can be dashed into a heart break when one feels 'they don't like me'... for as balanced and self-loving we raise them to be, the artist does become unsure... especially when charting new territory... what can feel fabulous and soul touching in the act of creation leaves one vulnerable as a finished piece is revealed to others... this we understand... and we also know that as diverse as the world is and as people are, that there will always be some who do not like what we/he does... but there will always be those who do... and so the key to raising the artistic man-child/woman-child is to teach them to be true to themselves... and they will get lost along the way, and we will be there... and they will return and we will be there... so is the job of the parent... thanks tamekah, am going thru these things myself...
oh, and of course, best luck to jordan on thursday evening ~
Came over thanks to your comment on my post, and this post of yours spoke to me. There is so much there about being an artist, supporting an artist, being a parent watching your kid. I have been mulling it over and don't really have anything to add beyond your observations, only: yes.
And good luck to your boy tomorrow!
Bravo Jordon! It's moments like these when you can just sit back for a moment, take a deep breath of satisfaction and enjoy the ride.
somehow erykah badu's quote from "tyrone" comes to mind:
"now keep in mind that i'm an artist, and i'm sensitive about my sh*t."
a late congrats to jordan, and kudos to you for your all-around insight and desire when it comes to mothering.
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