Aggression, Assertion and Assholiness

It's been fairly quiet today in the aftermath of Tuesday's tempest and Wednesday's warpath (see photo right). Little has been resolved, actually nothing has been resolved-but I'm okay. I need this time to come down a notch, medicate and transcend from aggression to assertion. Luckily I'm also fora grounded so I will not be overwhelmed by stupidity during my transcendence. I wish I'd known someone was going to scold me, I would've at least made it worth while. Note to those who are easily offended; "Don't start none, won't be none". I wasn't going to tell this rudimentary tale, but as it turns out it is a suitable segue for the next topic in my communication series.

First, let me quickly refer back to, "Don't start none, won't be none". I find this is where most folks go wrong. "Don't bark with the big dogs and piss like a puppy". I'm all about the nice nice, and I love good conversation, but you can't open up a can of kick ass, "pat it , roll it and mark it with B" once it's open it's on! There is a difference between aggressive approach and assertive approach which is what many don't seem to get. Let's go into some examples, okay?

Say you're having a discussion and you want it to end because the other person is getting on your last damn nerve, they are interrupting, raising their voice-overall just not presenting an effective argument. What do you do: a) Say shut-up b) Please shut the fuck up c) If you continue to yell and interrupt me I am not going to have this discussion with you. Of course the initial gut response is "A" (as much as "A" and "B"actually tend to work better) the correct answer is "C". The reason is the other options are an attempt at controlling someone else's actions which is not your job. Asserting yourself is just that, putting yourself in a position of assertion; a firm stance.

The other two choices are acts of verbal aggression. Depending on who you are having this heated discussion with any act of aggression will only result in further aggression ("Did you hear that Dubya"?)

Assertive lies somewhere between Aggressive and Passive, I think it differs in each individual. I'll use myself as an example. When I am faced with an act of assholiness, my initial reaction is to be passive. Really, I know it is hard to believe because I am very temperamental, but before I give the business, there is a very brief period where I consider and sometimes utter a passive word. "OK." "You're right". "I'm wrong". "It's done." "Let's just forget about it". "But no! (says like Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden) "You gotta be a blabber mouth!" Aggression, here I come, and now all of the eloquence has left the building with Elvis and it's time to ride the USS Fuck You with me as your Cap'n. Seriously, that is who I really am. Then in sweeps a moment of reflection and feeling like I just got caught with a head scarf on, knot in the front and, a cigarette dangling from dry lips, in a mu-mu with tube socks and sandals-I run for cover, fix up and return with my cape on as Assertive-woman (with the occasional hint of condescension, but I'm working on it) and resume all faculties and head back to the land of reason and eloquence.You're in really good shape if you can get there without all of the intermittent shenanigans!

I've a childhood friend who is about to marry soon, and we often discuss the human condition and how it relates to the woman and man conditions respectively. Now as Black and Hispanic women we have a penchant for histrionics, so I want to play this scenario especially for my committee member as I see it all goin' down.

The Dinner Dance

Female: What do you want to eat?
Male: I don't know, whatever.
Female: What do you mean whatever, tell me something.
Male: With raised voice-"Whatever! Whatever! Why you gotta make such a big deal just make something! Damn..."
Female: Rubs hands together like an evil fly and makes the one meal you know damn well he doesn't like.
Male: Ah c'mon you made ________!(Insert quick easy not too dandy tasting meal here) Stomps around house in disgust.
Female: You know what pendejo/asshole, I fuckin' asked you what you wanted and you said whatever so that's what you get and if you don't like it comer mierda/eat an ass.
Male: What's your problem?
Female: Nothing.

The steps to the dance are: neutral, passive, aggressive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, aggressive/perpetual victim, aggressive/guilt-ridden, passive, passive, jazz hands, repeat.

The Dinner Date

Female: What do you want to eat?
Male: I don't know, whatever.
Female: Why whatever? I need an idea so I can get it started/ordered.

Male: With raised voice-"Whatever! Whatever! Why you gotta make such a big deal just make something! Damn..."
Female: (Calm but firm) I cannot continue this discussion unless you lower your voice.

Male: Still ranting.
Female: This discussion is over until you are able to speak to me respectfully. Hang up/Walk out.

Give it a few, he'll likely call with a man reason, what women tend to refer to as an excuse. Now you're probably too pissed to eat anyway, but he can't come back and flip it nor did you give up any dignity in the process. You stood your ground without raising the roof.

Male: I'm sorry honey/mami, I'm just really tired. I'll pick up something on the way home.

Female: I understand. I'll see you soon.

Screaming Wench Disclaimer: The first time you address your partner like this he is going to check his beer for anti-freeze or sleep with one eye open and one shoe on. It's okay, they will eventually come to respect you for it and even learn something...hopefully. Rolls eyes.

Hellraiser Disclaimer: When he comes in for the love of Bob, please do not ask, "And what did you have your ass on your shoulders about? I was just asking you what you wanted to eat. Shit, that's what I get for being nice, I'll never ask you shit again. and I don't want that shit you picked up nobody told you to get that. Slams door.

Laughs, that's all for tonight. If you haven't taken the poll yet, please do. Thanks and be nice.

Note: Blogger is taking me within reach of a complete pscychotic break with the paragraph spacing issues...seriously.

Grin and Bear It

Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus...Is it really that difficult? Interplanetary correspondence and comprehension? I mean, is it really that difficult? I'd like to think in this great age of technological advancement we could narrow these broad communication ranges. Hell, with the internet and all, you're seriously telling me it has to be this complex?! You have got to be shittin' me!

Lately life in my house has been a lot like world travel, in some Quantum leap I have landed in the world of, "No-one-(my husband and teenage son) has-any-idea-what-the-fuck-I'm-talking- about." (Bob, I love that word, have you seen the movie? Good shit, I highly recommend). What do you do in a situation like this? Last night I cried, and I went to sleep with so much tension on my brain that I contemplated removing my eyes with a grapefruit spoon to allow my burgeoning amygdala room to breathe. Then I remembered my sonar is off so, not a brilliant idea. I then thought, perhaps I'll eat a box of donuts...nah, I'll just then be overweight and misunderstood. Well, here I sit on this glorious Thursday morning looking much like a tourist in my own home. I've a "Haven't-the-vaguest-idea-who-these-crazy-people-are-or-what-they-want from-me" expression on my face and a cup of molten lava hot coffee as I grin and bear it.

Oh and by the way Mr Gray, women are from Earth, Mars is where men go so they can pretend they can't hear what the hell we're saying! Want to preserve your sanity and the sanity of those around you...see here and tune in again tomorrow.

The Art of Enchanting the Soul

Courtesy of Wikipedia:
Rhetoric is the art of harnessing reason, emotions and authority, through language, with a view to persuade an audience and, by persuading, to convince this audience to act, to pass judgment or to identify with given values. According to Plato, rhetoric is the “Art of enchanting the soul.”

Strings of words, long ones, short ones, ubiquitous ones, obscure ones; words, I love you all. Words are my friends and, sometimes foes.

Everyone, and I mean everyone should take an assertiveness course and a communication course. There is nothing more valuable to humans as language and the ability to use it effectively. Aah, tact and diplomacy how I love thee. Listening, you precious gift, without you my words fall upon deaf ears.

I've been in an uphill, feels like I'm not moving battle with communication in my personal life. It has driven me to become more observant and intrigued by the communication styles of others and it is not at all surprising that few people communicate effectively. The most egregious offense; credibility.

Credibility is defined as 1. the quality or power of inspiring belief 2.capacity for belief.

Okay, so typical argument-and I'll give both the ups and downs of word choice when trying to build a credible case.

Person One: I don't like this _______.(insert anything you wish)
Person Two: You never like anything.

Person One: You should read/see _____(insert film/book) I thought it was funny.
Person Two: You think everything is funny.

The first person states a feeling or opinion which is valid. Always, all the time; you do not have to agree but it is their feeling, opinion, thought to state and they own it rightfully. It needs no justification, it simply is just.

The second person while they may feel this way has worded their reply in such a way that lacks credibility as it is impossible that anyone could dislike everything. In short-you lose!

Instead, try: "Oh no? What did you not like about it"? or "What is it you would you have preferred?" Or even, "I can't seem to figure out what you like, perhaps you should tell me some of the things you do like".

No way this can turn into a battle, if you make a valid credible response and acknowledge the preceding statement.

Same with the second example, how is it possible that everything is funny to anyone, yes?

Now, I have had the honour (I'm being facetious.) of presenting valid albeit unattractive figures in business meetings. Think about this for a moment and comment, let me know if you see how we hear what we want to hear and how the right questions will more often than not, get you the most honest answers:

Speaker: "There have been rumors circulating that we are not doing well this quarter as it compares to those previous. I just want to clear any confusion. This month we have shown exponential growth as compared to last month and expect this trend to continue".

Everyone wipes sweat from their brow and returns to their workstations/offices. What I didn't tell you was that last month we made $2 and this month $4 versus last quarter when in the same period we had made $60. It is true, it is credible but it has nothing to do with the issue in question. And to the actual question asked, "Yeah, we kinda suck! Do the math".

How well do you communicate? Have you been in these situations? Similar situations? Take my poll.

Deep breath...

At this very moment I have more thoughts floating through my head than tourists in Times Square. They're tighter than cheap shoes and dying to get out like a 40 week old fetus. Some amazing-like truly all CAPS amazing-epiphanies have found their way to my soul. Perhaps, it's the solar plexus focus, maybe the moon, hormones, Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds...whatever it is, I'm loving it. Please please please, don't let the contents of my grey matter fall on deaf ears. If you agree, post a comment, if you disagree post a comment and spark a flame of thought for another post, another ideology...just don't leave a sister hanging, okay?

I've got some personal responsibilities to attend this evening, my sweet Biju was spayed today, and is most uncomfortable, so I'm gonna snuggle with her and listen to some tunes before bed. I'll be back in the morning, stronger than Ray's coffee (a Bodega on Hudson Street in NYC) and crazier than Mike (Tyson, Jackson, Myers and Douglas in Falling Down...pick one). Peace...

If a tree falls in a forest...

Apparently the second half of this question now reads, "who is to blame." Or, maybe not...

A wise person once said..."When one person fails, it is the failure of all. When one person succeeds, it is the success of all. A bit of an explanation to the propositions: We cannot lay claim to only one or the other. Both, are a package. We as a society create the people who are a part of our society. We as a society are responsible for our creations, whether they are angels or monsters".

As a child when my grandmother would scold and school me on the starving poor, my small serving of Lima beans seemed an inconsequential contribution and she a histrionic fascist "Ma, if you're reading un-purse your lips and continue on before you start, okay?" Along the same time, comments like, "Learn to put your toys away and tend to your belongings, be grateful for all that you have..." seemed equally trivial. Vegetables and toys...well, everyone has those right?

As an adolescent I heard, "Money doesn't grow on trees, you can't have everything you see on the commercials, you know". "You have nothing to wear? You have a closet full of clothes!" Has this woman gone completely mad, I haven't gone to the mall in like a month! Enter the girl from the next building; her mom died a few years ago of cancer, her father has a wandering eye and a gambling problem, her oldest sister and guardian is a cocaine addict with a heroin addicted husband and a constantly crying child. They are on welfare, and boy do they need it. There are no curtains, no carpets, no pictures on the wall. The baby's eyes, nose and lips have a pinkish tint and are raw from constant discharge. There is a stench of cockroach feces emitting from loose cracks of lead-based paint on the walls where they have taken shelter to breed. Kinda gives me a hankering for a big ol' pot of Lima beans, and maybe there is nothing wrong with last season's styles after all.

A few weeks go by, and the new girl is mistakenly placed in my class in the neighboring school. It is an AP or "bridge" class; combining two grades at once, all who complete the course successfully will skip a grade come next fall. The teacher hands out the assignment, the Korean girl sitting next to me; my arch nemesis and I both take out our Sanrio mechanical pencils and feverishly scribble out our answers, power walk to the front of the class and slam our papers down as we usually do. The new girl sits, eyes welling with tears as she approaches the teacher and says, "I never learn'ded this in my ol' schoo". The teacher has her gather her belongings and escorts her from the classroom. The class starts to whisper and speculate about the stupid girl when I exclaim, "She isn't stupid, okay-she's just really poor"! Huh?! I care?!

The girl is transferred to a different program, we remain friends and spend as much time as we can between my dance classes, Latin lessons, spelling bee prep, student government and more. Oh, why was she not involved in any of these things? Well, her family couldn't afford it. There are no grammar school grants, at this point in the game, money talks. A few years pass, we're still friends, I've been diagnosed "school phobic" and now have a host of private home instruction tutors, she has a host of lipstick wearing girlfriends with boyfriends, she becomes pregnant. I offered to pay for an abortion because, I of course have access to credit cards and even have a fake ID which permits me to work at a job that pays me quite well by the hour since they think I'm 18 and a college student versus my actual 14. She declines because her boyfriend loves her and he buys her nice things and has promised to take her out of her still cocaine addicted sister's house. Only now, the sister has 3 children and her dad? Oh, his wandering eye landed him a big win; a gambling gal with great gams-he's out of there!

I met a nice boy; we want the same things, I left home and the old neighborhood, but the girl and I are still friends. A few months after I left she called and asked me if I'd sit for her newborn while she applied for welfare, love is just not enough to pay the bills. I complied. A few months later she called again, and asked if she could stay with us for a while because things were getting volatile at home. I complied. A few short months after that, she phoned and asked if she could live with me she'd been evicted. And, a few months later her welfare funds were discontinued because you must have an address to qualify. Two students living in NYC, we can hardly afford ourselves let alone a single mother and her child, she soon left. This cycle continued for many many years and I learned more about the system and society than I ever wanted to know.

We're both in our thirties now, with two children each. My children are home schooled by me while my husband works more hours than most to support us on a single income. Her children attend a public school in one of the poorest, low performing school districts in NYC where she also works too many hours, but working there enables her to be close to her children-there is no one else. She is the working poor. Evictions on her credit report keep her from qualifying for student loans to further her education, nor can she pass up the overtime with two children and rent to pay. I'd be here forever if I took the time to jot every time we've been there for each other. I say each other because more than any of my grandmother's harangues , "Waste not want not" and more, knowing, loving and listening to the plight of someone less fortunate than I, has shaped me in insurmountable ways.

Life isn't fair, but each of us together can help to balance the scales just a little bit more. Giving your change to a homeless person in front of Starbucks isn't enabling them. Even if everyone that left gave them their odd coins, they'd likely die of exposure before ever having enough money to secure housing. And, even if they could...no, better yet and so what if they do just go and buy drugs with it-you're probably needing that Starbucks to take the edge off your shitty day, so what really is the difference? Oh, the difference is you work? Is that what you said. Okay fair enough, so the money you cost your company each year by taking sick days when you aren't sick, arriving late and/or surfing the web and probably reading my blog or the insanity that prompted it, you are taking money out of some one's pocket, yes? And what is your thought process...just balancing the scales a little right?

See if a tree falls in the forest, who cares whether it makes a sound. At that point, the truth is the foundation was shaky and there were signs long before it finally collapsed. Signs which were ignored. We're all in this together and for every tree that falls it takes a few others down alongside it, it crushes a few land irrigating, bird feeding worms. The lifeless limbs no longer emit the carbon dioxide necessary for the survival of our carbon based bodies. I'm a city girl, NYC to be exact, but the girl from the next building took me to the forest. If you're still pondering whether or not that tree made a sound, you'll never know. Ask yourself this, what do you call a forest with no trees?

It's easy to pick up a fallen tree, toss it, mulch it and forget about it. It isn't so easy to nurse it, sturdy the foundation, or simply level the land and keep it from falling. Taking the easy route are you? Hypocritical much?

The whole is more than the sum of its parts~Aristotle

This is one of my more heartfelt posts. There is much happening in the world today that truly shakes my branches. It's hard to think that one day my roots will dry, my tree will wither and the seeds that I've dropped in the forest will have no chance. It isn't for lack of sowing or weak foundation-but an inherent societal blindness for the forest amongst the trees...